


Nightmares

by BitterRenegade



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Drowning, F/M, Feels, Insomnia, Nightmares, Pining, Self-Doubt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-01
Updated: 2019-04-01
Packaged: 2019-12-30 14:41:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 445
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18317327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BitterRenegade/pseuds/BitterRenegade
Summary: At first the dreams are fine.





	Nightmares

At first the dreams were fine. Scary at times, and spitting up salt water was never fun, but they were fine. Some things in the dreams reminded him of Vandren. Only traces, but they had been a comfort. The feelings of approval, the guidance, the encouragement… Then it stopped. 

It stopped being fine. 

The dreams weren’t just dreams anymore. They were nightmares. Nightmares that reminded Fjord of the orphanage, of the sneers and being pushed around. Reminded him of the first time he brought the file to his tusks, the disappointment when he was still different and still looked down on. It was like he was drowning all over again. Salt water clawing, still burning at his insides. Cruel laughter in his ears and a thought about how he should just  _ die _ already.

Fjord never really learned how to deal with nightmares. 

But one thing that he knew he could do was run from them, figuratively. All he had to do was not sleep. Which was significantly easier said than done. It was easy enough to take first watch alone, and he knew that he would at least be able to keep the rest of the Mighty Nein from noticing for a day or two. The problem was that they cared. Caleb likely wouldn’t bring it up unless his lack of sleep was clearly hindering the group, and Nott was more likely to tease him about it until she deemed it an issue. He guessed that Beau would probably just tell him that he was looking like shit. Caduceus was Caduceus, and Fjord knew that the Firbolg would always be a willing ear if Fjord wanted to speak about his nightmares again. Then there was Jester.

Fjord knew for a fact that he wouldn’t be able to keep her from worrying, just as he knew that he wouldn’t be able to lie to her about his nightmares. There was this… feeling. Gut-wrenching, quick pains, just at the thought of her being upset or concerned. Because Fjord knew he didn’t deserve it. He didn’t deserve her worry, and he certainly didn’t deserve any of the help that the group had given him since they had formed. Selfishly, he was overjoyed by their very presence. The moments of support. Yet he couldn’t help but feel guilty whenever he received any from Jester.

He’d basically left her to die multiple times, yet she could still smile at him.

Fjord knew he didn’t deserve someone like her. Someone so kind, so funny, so sweet. The kind of person that people were drawn to, that people liked, even if she was different.

That’s what the nightmares told him, after all.

**Author's Note:**

> As hard as it is to believe, one of my favorite ships is Fjord/self-acceptance.
> 
> ....And the Mistake.


End file.
